Chasing Dreams Down This Long Winding Road Called Life

Left foot first, then right, now left again. At 24 you’d think I’d know how to walk by now. But sometimes in life you get knocked down. The question is, how will you respond when life knocks you down? I’m sitting here right now at 10am on a weekday morning starting my blog. Most adults have already put in at least an hour at work by now. I am happy to say that I have been up and out of the house already this morning, but not to head to work. No, right now I am….unemployed. I think I’ve gotten used to that word, but every once in a while the words get stuck in my throat and don’t want to come out. I went to a get together this week and found myself telling each person I talked to (because they all asked the dreaded question “What are you doing these days?”) ‘I’m unemployed right now” or “I’m looking for work.” It’s hard to believe. Me? I often ask God why. I remind him and the world that I have a master’s degree. That I went to an Ivy League school. That I’m a SOCIAL WORKER for crying out loud (Isn’t it a crime for social workers to be unemployed when there is so much need in this world?). Obviously God already knows all of this, but I like to remind him from time to time. Sometimes I just want to shake my fist and say it’s not fair, other times I want to bury my head in my pillow and cry because I feel like I’m a failure at life right now.

I don’t yet know the answers to my “why’s” yet. I’ll admit it frustrates me. I wonder if there is something I am doing wrong. Is there some lesson I am supposed to learn from this? Is this a character building experience? I have too much time to think these days! Sometimes I feel as if God is distant. As if I can’t hear his voice anymore. But then I remember that it isn’t God who has moved, it’s me. God always loves me, He always pursues me. He’s ok with my questions. It’s me who’s not ok with His silence or His answers. Sometimes, on occasion, I try to be still and listen, but I’ll admit it’s hard to do that. I get distracted easily.

I’m not sure I’ve done a good job with responding to this. I feel like I’m down for the count. Somehow I've gotten lost on the road. Or maybe this is just where God wants me? I’ve spent hours upon hours job searching (i'm not exagerating, job searching is a full time job in and of itself).  I’ve sent in over a dozen job applications, revised my resume and cover letter dozens of times, gone on a few interviews, I check my e-mail about a dozen times a day, and wait, and wait, and wait some more. I’m one of the most optimistic and patient people I know (modest too! :-)). But as I slowly watch the days of summer go by I wonder, how much longer?   I’d like to share parts of the lyrics from Britt Nicole’s song Have Your Way. I’ve been listening to it recently and it has resonated with me and maybe it will with you as well.

Feels like I've been here forever
Why can't You just intervene?
Do You see the tears keep falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams

But You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way

And I feel so ashamed and so cold
Remind me You take the broken things
And turn them into beautiful

Even if my dreams have died
And even if I don't survive
I'll still worship You with all my life
My life, yeah

And I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way

I know You will, I won't forget
You love me, have Your way

It’s true, Jesus never promised an easy life, just the opposite in fact.  But being comfortable is, well, nice. To have a job, feel like a normal adult, is that really so wrong? I don’t think it is, unless you are allowing that desire to control you and not God. “Just have your way.” How often do I say it and really mean it? How I long to be at the center of God’s will, to be at peace with my situation. I have always been a busy person. I worked two jobs throughout college, took summer classes, volunteered, and studied like crazy (how I wish I could’ve been like some of my classmates who could listen to the lecture and not need to read the textbooks!). And now here I am face to face with TIME. My biggest enemy, other than myself. Oh have I tried to stay busy, I’m doing it right now by blogging when I could, maybe even should be spending time with God. Oh sure, I spend a great amount of time in the morning reading the Bible, I’m even getting better at praying more frequently. But it’s not enough. I know this deep down. I need to lay down my plans, my careful thought out life (well, its not THAT careful and thought out, but you get the picture), and let Him have his way. Perhaps this is a season that I will grow in my character and grow deeper in my relationship with Him. Be the woman He wants me to be. I don’t know what he has planned, how long this season of unemployment will last. But I do know one thing, He is with me through it all. No matter what I will trust. Please pray that I will also follow Him, no matter where He calls me go or what He calls me to do. No matter what the cost. May I embrace His dreams and plans for my life, may His will be my will.

Thank you to all who have lived this crazy journey with me, and those of you who are still reading my blog. I especially want to give a shout out to my family and friends and all who have prayed and are still praying for me. Special shout out to my dear friend Michaela, I’m pretty sure I would’ve gone crazy this past year without your friendship and support. You have put up with all my complaining, freaking out, and plain old terrible moments. You are amazing and I can’t wait to see what God does in your life!   

The most important thing to remember is this: to be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become." ~W.E.B. DuBois

Procrastination, Character, and Christian Masks

I realize this post is WAY overdue. I've thought a dozen times about writing it. Even started writing it down on paper once or twice when I wasn't near my computer. I recently watched a sermon series on responsibility and realized that my procrastination, which I've become very good at, is irresponsible. So, I'm working on being more responsible. This post is one of several things that I have on my "to do" list.

 Recently I have felt like my life is in limbo. I've had to put Do Justice on hold and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to go back to it. Not knowing where God is taking me in the next stage of my life has been frustrating at times. Job searching is time consuming and not exactly easy on the ego. Recently, I’ve been trying to use this time to reflect and grow in my character. I read a book called Heroes and Monsters by Josh James Riebock (I highly recommend it) and this excerpt from the book sums up the crossroad where I am at right now:

“Bold people dream ‘bout careers. But character dreams are reserved for the bravest. ‘S too bad, though. If people was less obsessed with changin’ the world and more concerned ‘bout changin’themselves and playin’ a role in a few lives around ‘em, then the world wouldn’t need so much changin’ to begin with.”

 At first reading, this almost sounds contradictory to what I believe. Aren’t we supposed to care about others; to desire justice for the oppressed and care for the widows and orphans? Isn’t that what God wants us to do after all? And character dreams….what are they anyways? I guess this all ties back into what I mentioned earlier: procrastination, responsibility, all that good stuff. I’ve realized there are a lot of moments in my life when I could have made a better choice, when I could have taken a moment to really listen to what someone had to say, to stop and take time to talk to the homeless person on the street, or to send someone an encouraging text or phone call. I find it’s too easy to not make that phone call, or to not take the time to listen to someone fully. Bruce Main, in his book Spotting the Sacred (yes, I’ve been reading a lot lately. The best part of being out of college I assure you, is to finally have the opportunity to read the books that I want to read), puts it this way:


“We all know that it is easy to put on a mask of faith and make an appearance of really living the Christian life. We show up at church, put our dollar in the gold offering plate, and conduct ourselves in a moral manner. We even sit on a few boards that promote good works in the community. Its easy to appear Christian. But there is a significant difference between demonstrating external signs of Christian faith through our public behavior and being truly loving in a Christian way. Too often we call ourselves Christian yet live quite selfishly and meagerly. Love must be an internalized attitude that moves us beyond certain instinctive “me first” codes of conduct.”   


Christian masks. I find that term so interesting. But what do christian masks and character dreams have to do with each other? I think it all goes back to the famous passage in 1 Corinthians 13, the “love chapter”, where Paul outlines for us what love truly is. We can give to the poor in abundance but if it is not done out of a pure heart filled with love, not pity or self righteousness, than it is nothing. What would life look like if we all strove to love more? Imagine if we all were more patient and kind. Imagine what the world would be like if people were not self seeking or easily angered or did not delight in evil. The world truly would be a better place. In my mind I often think of grandiose ideas and want to run off and save the world. But for now I will be content to work on my character and use the time I have to invest in the lives of those around me; whether it’s my coworkers, the children at my school, or my friends and neighbors. It’s not going to be easy, I have a burning desire right now to go to Hatiti, or anywhere for that matter, to run off and save the world, to take a break from the daily grind of life.  But all I have is right now. I don't want to spend right now jealous of all of the people I know who are getting married (or already married!) while I'm still single. Or the friends I know who are following their dreams and have started their careers, or who have traveled the world while I have stayed at home. Sure, this might not be how I envisioned life, but none of that matters becuase this is the life I am living and every moment counts. Right now God is teaching me to be patient and wait on Him. It’s not going to be easy, but you'd better believe it’s going to be worth it.   

A Jonah Reedemed

Today I am doing something that I never thought I would do, start a blog. I have always told myself that not only would I not follow what seemed to be the normal trajectory of most, to keep a blog, but I am also a relatively private person with nothing of worth that I thought the world needed to hear from me. In fact, my life is pretty boring. So what changed my mind? Well, it all started around August or September....

As most of you who are reading this probably know, I am passionate about children, books, and social justice. This story involves only one of them, social justice. A few weeks after my summer in Camden working with Urban Promise God laid it on my heart to start a program working with teens. Well, as most of you know teens is not my forte. I enjoy working with elementary and preschool students. The younger the better I sometimes think. However, as I've found out, when God tells you to do something He is relentless.

At first I began looking into curriculum, as I knew organizations like World Vision created resources for purposes such as this. I even went as far as to order the one I liked best that seemed to fit what I envisioned doing. Sounds good right? This is the easy part though. Creating lessons from the curriculum I ordered is a challenge that I enjoyed. Simple, straightforward, and it requires no one but myself to do it. However this is where the journey almost ended. Like Jonah I decided that it was too big of an order for me to do. I didn't really want to work with teens. Now I obviously didn't get on a boat and run away, in fact it really wasn't even a conscious decision. Life happened. I had my LSW test to study for, and then came the holidays and the ensuing baking, shopping, and decorating that comes with it. Before you know it, it's January.

Somewhere between the end of December and February God got a hold of me. One of the definitions of the word redeemed means "to make something acceptable or pleasant in spite of its negative qualities or aspects. Despite all my failings God somehow manages to put up with me and give me chance after chance. I am so thankful He loves me in spite of me. So how exactly did he manage to get a hold of me? One  phrase. Oh, and lots of time spent in prayer. Never underestimate the power of prayer, or words. Sometimes you never realize how what you say impacts someone. This is probably why God puts so much emphasis on taming the tongue and using your words wisely. Anyways, my mentor-friend told me that I need to remember to "walk by faith, not by sight." He was talking about a completely different situation, but irregardless I found that this simple but profound statement, one that I had heard many times before, is true to nearly every situation.

So here we are halfway through February now. I am working to put together this program, which I call "Do Justice" (based on Micah 6:8). I currently have a space to hold the twice monthly gatherings (Thank you Amazing Grace Resource Center!). I have the dates and times all worked out. Right now it is a six week program focusing on understanding justice through God's eyes, gaining an understanding of social injustices occurring around the world, and developing a lens through which to impact the world and use their God-given gifts. Now I am working on getting the word out. I am excited, yet scared. Its like jumping off a mountain and not knowing whether there will be a net to catch you.

So here I am. Learning to lean on God and trust Him and gain His wisdom, not my own or the worlds'. Here I am, learning to walk by faith and not by sight. Like a child learning to walk or ride a bike it requires faith, perseverance, and trust, in this case in the one who created us and sustains us. I think I am pretty safe in those hands.

For those of you who are still reading this, a big thank you goes out to you! All this to say that the reason for my blog is to chronicle my journey as I begin this program. The ups and downs, the good and the bad. May God be glorified in my attempts to honor Him. Your prayers as I walk through this journey of faith are greatly appreciated. Also, (now for the shameless self promotion) if you live in Gloucester County, NJ or the surrounding area and you are a teen or know a teen, PLEASE tell them about Do Justice and invite them to check out the facebook event page!!!! http://www.facebook.com/#!/events/391290537552358/

Thank You!!  :-)