Chasing Dreams Down This Long Winding Road Called Life

Left foot first, then right, now left again. At 24 you’d think I’d know how to walk by now. But sometimes in life you get knocked down. The question is, how will you respond when life knocks you down? I’m sitting here right now at 10am on a weekday morning starting my blog. Most adults have already put in at least an hour at work by now. I am happy to say that I have been up and out of the house already this morning, but not to head to work. No, right now I am….unemployed. I think I’ve gotten used to that word, but every once in a while the words get stuck in my throat and don’t want to come out. I went to a get together this week and found myself telling each person I talked to (because they all asked the dreaded question “What are you doing these days?”) ‘I’m unemployed right now” or “I’m looking for work.” It’s hard to believe. Me? I often ask God why. I remind him and the world that I have a master’s degree. That I went to an Ivy League school. That I’m a SOCIAL WORKER for crying out loud (Isn’t it a crime for social workers to be unemployed when there is so much need in this world?). Obviously God already knows all of this, but I like to remind him from time to time. Sometimes I just want to shake my fist and say it’s not fair, other times I want to bury my head in my pillow and cry because I feel like I’m a failure at life right now.

I don’t yet know the answers to my “why’s” yet. I’ll admit it frustrates me. I wonder if there is something I am doing wrong. Is there some lesson I am supposed to learn from this? Is this a character building experience? I have too much time to think these days! Sometimes I feel as if God is distant. As if I can’t hear his voice anymore. But then I remember that it isn’t God who has moved, it’s me. God always loves me, He always pursues me. He’s ok with my questions. It’s me who’s not ok with His silence or His answers. Sometimes, on occasion, I try to be still and listen, but I’ll admit it’s hard to do that. I get distracted easily.

I’m not sure I’ve done a good job with responding to this. I feel like I’m down for the count. Somehow I've gotten lost on the road. Or maybe this is just where God wants me? I’ve spent hours upon hours job searching (i'm not exagerating, job searching is a full time job in and of itself).  I’ve sent in over a dozen job applications, revised my resume and cover letter dozens of times, gone on a few interviews, I check my e-mail about a dozen times a day, and wait, and wait, and wait some more. I’m one of the most optimistic and patient people I know (modest too! :-)). But as I slowly watch the days of summer go by I wonder, how much longer?   I’d like to share parts of the lyrics from Britt Nicole’s song Have Your Way. I’ve been listening to it recently and it has resonated with me and maybe it will with you as well.

Feels like I've been here forever
Why can't You just intervene?
Do You see the tears keep falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams

But You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way

And I feel so ashamed and so cold
Remind me You take the broken things
And turn them into beautiful

Even if my dreams have died
And even if I don't survive
I'll still worship You with all my life
My life, yeah

And I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way

I know You will, I won't forget
You love me, have Your way

It’s true, Jesus never promised an easy life, just the opposite in fact.  But being comfortable is, well, nice. To have a job, feel like a normal adult, is that really so wrong? I don’t think it is, unless you are allowing that desire to control you and not God. “Just have your way.” How often do I say it and really mean it? How I long to be at the center of God’s will, to be at peace with my situation. I have always been a busy person. I worked two jobs throughout college, took summer classes, volunteered, and studied like crazy (how I wish I could’ve been like some of my classmates who could listen to the lecture and not need to read the textbooks!). And now here I am face to face with TIME. My biggest enemy, other than myself. Oh have I tried to stay busy, I’m doing it right now by blogging when I could, maybe even should be spending time with God. Oh sure, I spend a great amount of time in the morning reading the Bible, I’m even getting better at praying more frequently. But it’s not enough. I know this deep down. I need to lay down my plans, my careful thought out life (well, its not THAT careful and thought out, but you get the picture), and let Him have his way. Perhaps this is a season that I will grow in my character and grow deeper in my relationship with Him. Be the woman He wants me to be. I don’t know what he has planned, how long this season of unemployment will last. But I do know one thing, He is with me through it all. No matter what I will trust. Please pray that I will also follow Him, no matter where He calls me go or what He calls me to do. No matter what the cost. May I embrace His dreams and plans for my life, may His will be my will.

Thank you to all who have lived this crazy journey with me, and those of you who are still reading my blog. I especially want to give a shout out to my family and friends and all who have prayed and are still praying for me. Special shout out to my dear friend Michaela, I’m pretty sure I would’ve gone crazy this past year without your friendship and support. You have put up with all my complaining, freaking out, and plain old terrible moments. You are amazing and I can’t wait to see what God does in your life!   

The most important thing to remember is this: to be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become." ~W.E.B. DuBois